What a Wonderful Kind of D'oh!
by Dead Composer
Summary: What happens when Bart and Lisa Simpson start attending Arthur's school? The first ever Arthur Simpsons crossover!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Arthur or The Simpsons.

* * *

"Children," said Mr. Ratburn, "we have a new student joining us today."

All the third-graders stared lazily at the rather short girl with pointy blond hair, a red dress, and a pearl necklace.

"Uh, my name is Lisa Simpson," said the new girl. "I just moved here from Springfield."

"Tell them what you like to do, Lisa," Mr. Ratburn prompted her.

"Er, I like to play my saxophone, and collect Malibu Stacy dolls, and do homework, and fight for social causes."

"Thank you, Lisa," said Mr. Ratburn. "Are there any questions?"

Binky raised his hand. "Did you say you like to fight?"

"For social causes," Lisa told him. "Like equality for women, and the liberation of Tibet."

Buster put his hand up. "Are you an alien?"

Lisa gave the rabbit boy a blank look.

"You must be an alien," Buster went on. "You don't look like any kind of animal I've ever seen."

"I'm not an animal," said Lisa.

"But everyone's some kind of animal," Arthur chimed in. "Buster's a rabbit, Binky's a bulldog, and I'm an aardvark."

Lisa gaped at him in surprise. "An aardvark? I was about to guess camel."

The class burst into laughter. "Quiet, please," said Mr. Ratburn.

Francine raised her hand. "You're a little short for a third-grader," she remarked.

"That's because I skipped a grade," Lisa explained.

In the back of the classroom, Muffy leaned over to the rabbit girl in the striped shirt. "Her dress looks like she stuck it in a wood chipper," she commented. "And I'll bet the pearls are fake."

Lisa seated herself at a desk next to George, who bashfully looked away. While she pulled several books from her bag, Mr. Ratburn commenced drawing on the blackboard. When he had written the letters H-O-M-O, Binky snickered. Glancing indignantly over his shoulder, Mr. Ratburn proceeded to write the letters N-Y-M-S. "Today's lesson is on homonyms," he announced. "Who can tell me what homonyms are?"

Lisa and Brain quickly raised their hands. "Lisa?" said Mr. Ratburn.

"Homonyms are words that sound the same, but don't mean the same," said Lisa confidently.

"Thank you," said Mr. Ratburn. "Now, Brain, can you give me an example of a homonym?"

"Duck," said Brain. "A duck is an aquatic fowl. To duck means to crouch down in order to avoid hitting your head against something."

"Very good, Brain," said the teacher.

The class dragged on, and Lisa could occasionally hear the other children muttering to each other while furtively peering at her. Finally the bell rang, and first period was over.

Lisa stepped over to Brain's desk as the boy was putting his books away. "You're pretty bright," she complimented him. "No wonder everyone calls you Brain."

"My real name's Alan," Brain told her. "I can't help what others call me."

"At least they don't call you Poindexter," said Lisa with a giggle.

"Let me guess," said Brain. "At your old school, you were the smart kid with no friends."

"Not quite," said Lisa. "I had a friend named Janey, but she didn't talk much."

"You'll have plenty of friends here," Brain assured her.

"You think so?" said Lisa in a worried tone. "Even though I'm the only one who's not an anthropomorphic animal?"

Brain gestured toward the cat girl standing next to him. "This is Sue Ellen. She likes some of the same things you do—playing the sax, fighting for social causes. If not for her, our favorite hangout spot would have been turned into a fast food joint."

Sue Ellen smiled and handed Lisa a photograph of a little boy. "Who's this?" asked Lisa.

"It's Tenzin, her Tibetan pen pal," Brain told her.

"That's so cool," said Lisa. "I hope he grows up in a free and independent nation instead of being oppressed by the Chinese communist regime. Do you have any other foreign pen pals?"

"She has thirty-four," said Brain.

"Why do you keep answering my questions for her?" said Lisa. "Why don't you let her talk?"

"Don't ask me," said Brain. "Ask the writers." Sue Ellen simply shrugged.

* * *

During morning recess, Lisa was scribbling in her notebook when Francine and Muffy approached her. "Whatcha doing, Lisa?" asked Francine.

"I'm writing a play," Lisa replied. "It's called _Six Angry Men and Six Angry Women_."

"Whatever," said Muffy.

"Do you have a minute?" asked Francine. "Whenever a new student joins our class, I write an article about him or her in my newspaper, the Frensky Star."

"And I give him or her useful tips on fashion and poise," said Muffy.

"Make it quick," said Lisa, looking into the distance. "Here comes my brother."

"You have a brother?" said Muffy in astonishment. "No one else in the class has a brother."

"Has…brother," said Francine, jotting down notes on a pad of paper.

"Hey, Lis," said Bart casually as he approached the playground bench.

"Hi, Bart," said Lisa cheerfully.

Bart gave Francine and Muffy a bemused look. "If only Darwin were alive to see this," he said, shaking his head in wonder.

"What's he talking about?" Francine wondered.

"Charles Darwin," said Lisa. "19th-century British naturalist who wrote _The Origin of Species_, putting forth the hypothesis that humans and apes evolved from a common ancestor."

"I've seen the movie," said Bart. "First they become intelligent, then they make us their slaves."

"What movie?" asked Muffy.

"_Planet of the Apes_," said Lisa. "A depiction of a dystopian future where humans have abandoned civilization and descended into savagery, to the point that simians have established dominion over them."

Francine looked at Muffy quizzically. "Simians? Dystopian? Do you know what she's talking about?"

"Nope," Muffy responded. "She's, like, some kind of word nerd. Let's shun her."

Lisa watched the two girls walk away, then turned and glared at her brother. "Nice going, Bart. You embarrassed me in front of my classmates."

"Who wants monkeys for friends?" said Bart callously.

"_You're_ a monkey," said Lisa peevishly.

"No, _you_ are!" Bart retorted.

"No, _you_ are!"

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"Children, children!" Mr. Haney interrupted them. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it isn't worth arguing over."

"Who the hell are you, man?" Bart asked him.

"I'm the principal," said Mr. Haney, extending his hand. "Here, have a lollipop."

Instead of taking the treat that was offered him, Bart burst into derisive laughter.

"If this is a joke, I'm afraid I don't get it," said Mr. Haney sheepishly.

"You look like a big teddy bear with glasses," said Bart mockingly.

"Hmph!" said Mr. Haney, pulling back his hand. "No lollipop for you, young man."

As the principal walked away in a huff, Bart turned to his sister and grinned. "If I'd called Principal Skinner a big teddy bear with glasses, he would've given my mutilated corpse two months' detention," he said gleefully. "I'm gonna love this school."

* * *

to be continued 


	2. Chapter 2

"Those glasses make you look like a nerd," said Bart, who then reached out and plucked off Arthur's glasses. "There, now you look cool."

"I can't see a thing," said Arthur.

"Trust me, you look cool," said Bart.

Lisa happened upon the two boys on her way to the cafeteria. "Yeesh, Bart!" she protested. "Give the kid his glasses back."

"Fine," said Bart, reluctantly returning the spectacles to Arthur. "But if it were me, I'd rather be blind."

An unwelcome voice sounded in his ear. "Hey, Bart! Can I tell your future with my cootie catcher?"

"Let me tell _your_ future," said Bart to the eager-looking Prunella. "You'll burst into tears and run away after I tell you that your face looks like a can opener."

Prunella burst into tears and ran away.

"You're hurting _everybody's_ feelings today," Lisa chided her brother. "You're like an electronic feeling-hurting machine."

Bart shrugged. "It's the third time I've used that line on her. You'd think she'd get used to it."

Feeling hungry, he wandered away. "Don't listen to him," said Lisa to Arthur. "Your glasses make you look distinguished."

"He's right, you know," said Arthur glumly.

"Bart is many things," said Lisa, "but right is not one of them. Come on, I'll walk you to the lunchroom."

As Bart walked into the cafeteria, a powerful force drew him in the direction of a certain table, at which sat an assortment of mean-looking animal kids.

"Whadda _you_ want?" snarled the boy at the head of the table, who looked vaguely like a weasel with a backwards-turned cap.

"Uh, I dunno," said Bart nervously. "I just gravitated over here."

"This is the Tough Customers table," said Rattles, "also known as the Fortress of Pain."

Bart's lips curled into a grin. "Cool! The bullies of the animal world."

"I'd sit somewhere else if I were you," said Rattles, but Bart had already jumped into an available space. The slovenly dressed rabbit girl across the table caught his attention.

"What're you staring at, kid?" said Molly peevishly. "Haven't you ever seen a girl bully before?"

"Yeah, I have," Bart responded. "But never one with ears like yours."

Molly smiled at him. "You got moxie, kid. Join us or die."

"I'll join you," said Bart without hesitation.

Molly sighed. "No one ever chooses death."

"To prove yourself worthy of our society," Rattles told Bart, "you must perform a deed of utter ruthlessness."

"Like hanging a kid's underpants from a flagpole?" said Bart. "While the kid's still in them?"

Molly and Rattles gaped at him.

"Or slashing the principal's tires? Or painting over the mural with a picture of a naked girl? Or…"

"Whoa, whoa!" said Molly. "We may be bullies, but we're not monsters."

"Simply pulling down a kid's pants will do," said Rattles.

"Consider it done," said Bart confidently.

A moment later Binky approached the Tough Customer table, carrying a tray loaded with food. "Hey, guys," he greeted the bullies.

"Hey, Binky," said Molly and Rattles.

Suddenly Binky felt an odd draft passing between his legs.

The jaws of everyone at the table dropped in unison.

"Haw haw!" said Bart mockingly.

Binky looked down, and his fears were confirmed. His pants lay in a heap around his ankles, and his Love Ducks underwear was exposed for all the world to see.

At a nearby table, Arthur and Lisa were chatting over lunch. "Sure, I'd love to visit your house," said Arthur. "But I'll have to ask my mom and dad if it's okay."

"You'll see that the rest of my family isn't like Bart," Lisa assured him. Then, glancing to one side, she exclaimed, "Oh, my Buddha!"

Not far away, a large bulldog boy with bare legs was scowling and waving his fist in Bart's face. "You just bought a one-way ticket to Clobberville, USA, pal," he said menacingly.

"Kick his butt!" said Rattles.

"Rip off his butt, _then_ kick it!" added Molly.

Lisa hurried to the side of her frightened brother. "Don't hurt him!" she pleaded.

"Oh, I won't," said Binky, lowering his fists. "Not now." He shot Bart a fiery glare. "Meet me in front of the trailer behind the school during afternoon recess. Unless you're yellow, that is."

"Hey, _nobody_ calls me yellow!" said Bart with newfound courage. "You're on, buster."

"I'm on what?" asked Buster, who happened to be walking past.

While Binky pulled his pants up around his waist, Lisa quickly dragged her brother away by the arm. "You can't be serious about fighting him," she said earnestly. "He's as big as Nelson Muntz."

"Yeah, the parallels _are_ kinda creepy," said Bart.

"Don't go through with this!" Lisa pleaded.

"I have to," said Bart. "Otherwise, Dead Composer's legions of fans will have no reason to eagerly await the next chapter."

* * *

to be continued 


	3. Chapter 3

As Lisa returned to Mr. Ratburn's classroom, she found Binky doodling on the chalkboard. "Good news, Bart," he greeted her.

"I'm not Bart," she responded.

"That's the good news," said Binky, pounding a fist into his palm.

Lisa sighed bitterly. "Stupid bully. Do you really think violence will set things right between you and Bart?"

"I dunno," said Binky, going back to his sketching.

Lisa glanced over the chalk picture he had made. "That's a very good drawing of a boa constrictor swallowing an elephant," she remarked.

"Naw, it's just a hat," said Binky.

"Still, it's very nice," said Lisa. "Reminds me of Andy Warhol."

"Oh, does he wear a hat like this?"

"No, he was a pop artist."

"Hmm…pop artist…" Binky imagined himself dipping a paintbrush into a bottle of Sierra Mist, then applying it to a canvas.

"You should try being an artist instead of a bully," Lisa suggested.

"Why can't I be both?" said Binky. "I can have two jobs, like my dad."

While Lisa struggled to think of a comeback, Binky put his hands on his hips and glared down at her.

"If you're trying to talk me out of fighting your brother, you can forget it," he said sternly. "I live my life by one simple rule—anyone who messes with me gets clobbered. Without that rule, I'd be just like George over there." He stuck his thumb toward the moose boy.

"D-don't hurt me," George pleaded nervously.

"But don't you think that's a bit…inequitable?" said Lisa. "Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime? The Bible says, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' All he did was pull down your pants. You still have all your teeth and both your eyes. But if you fight him, you might knock out his teeth, or put out his eye. That wouldn't be fair, at least according to the Judeo-Christian ethic with which I was raised."

"Sit down, children," said Mr. Ratburn. "It's time for class to begin."

"We'll talk again after the fight," Binky said to Lisa.

* * *

Afternoon recess arrived at the usual time. Dozens of schoolchildren gathered in front of the trailer, having been informed of an imminent brawl. Lisa, worried for her brother's health but unable to look away, watched as Bart and Binky stepped onto a patch of dirt. Binky pushed up his sleeves while Bart strained to keep up a fearless appearance. Sweat dripped from his every pore. 

"Binky! Binky!" cheered the Tough Customers.

"Bart! Bart! Bart!" chanted Francine, Sue Ellen, and Fern. "You can do it, Bart! Punch him in the heart! Rip his butt apart!"

Bart swallowed. "Uh, I'm ready whenever you are, man," he said in a slightly quivering voice.

Binky, instead of attacking his foe, turned to Lisa and smiled. "I thought about what you said. You're right, it wouldn't be fair to beat him up. So I'll do the same thing to him that he did to me."

Bart, expecting certain death, was surprised to see Binky lunging at him, grabbing his belt, and yanking downward. His shorts landed in the dirt around his feet.

The assembled kids laughed half-heartedly. They observed nothing remarkable about Bart's plain white underwear.

"Like what you see?" said Bart to the crowd. "Wanna see more?"

The students, unsure of how to respond, became silent.

Bart bent over, pulled down his underpants, and waved his naked posterior at them. Gasps and cries of horror rose from the crowd. Binky clenched his fists and scowled.

"If anyone wants to kick my butt, you got a clean target," said Bart jokingly.

He couldn't have chosen poorer words.

"Binky, no!" cried Lisa as the furious bulldog boy reared back his foot.

SMACK

Bart lay face-first in the grass, about two yards separating him from his shorts.

The Tough Customers yowled and applauded while several of the girls, including Lisa and Prunella, rushed to aid the fallen boy.

"Bart, are you okay?" asked Lisa.

"Uuurgh," Bart moaned. "He broke my butt."

"I hope he hasn't suffered brain damage," quipped Prunella.

"You should've pretended to be embarrassed," Lisa told her brother.

"I have no shame," said Bart weakly. "You know that, Lis."

"Now _everybody_ knows that," said Lisa, looking over at the dispersing crowd.

She brought Bart his shorts, helped him to stand, and watched him stagger away painfully. Turning to Prunella, she remarked, "I'm surprised at how the kids reacted. It's like none of them has ever seen a butt before."

"None of them has seen a butt without a _tail_ before," said Prunella.

* * *

"We now return to _Redneck Scooby-Doo_!"

On the TV screen, Scooby and Shaggy were hunting in the forest when an eerie white figure appeared before them. "Look, Scooby!" exclaimed Shaggy. "It's a ghost!"

While Homer watched and popped snacks into his mouth, Shaggy raised his rifle and fired three rounds into the apparition, which fell to the ground.

"Zoinks!" said Shaggy as he yanked off the sheet. "This ain't no ghost. It's some guy in a costume!"

"Homer!" exclaimed Marge. "Stop eating the laxatives!"

"But they're so full of chocolatey goodness," Homer whined. "Look, it says so on the package."

"Give me that!" said Marge, snatching the box from his hand.

"But there's nothing else good to eat," Homer lamented.

"The kids will be back any minute now," said Marge. "Then we'll have dinner."

Bart and Lisa charged through the front door about thirty seconds later, trailed by a pair of aardvark kids. A large, friendly greyhound welcomed them with yips and licks.

"What a cool dog," said Arthur. "What's his name?"

"Santa's Little Helper," replied Bart.

"More like Santa's _Big_ Helper," Arthur joked.

"A kitty!" cried D.W., crouching down to embrace the black cat that had approached her.

"That's Snowball II," said Lisa.

"I had a pet snowball once," said D.W. "Arthur stole it."

"Did not!" Arthur protested.

Marge smiled with delight upon seeing the visitors. "So these are your new friends from school," she gushed.

"Arthur's in my class," Lisa told her. "And this is his little sister, D.W."

"Your hair is humongous," D.W. commented.

"Where's Homer?" asked Bart.

"He's in the bathroom," Marge replied. Turning to the little aardvark girl, she asked, "What does D.W. stand for?"

"I don't like to talk about it," answered D.W. as she stroked Snowball's fur.

"Come upstairs, and I'll show you some pictures from our trip to China," said Lisa to her new classmate.

While Arthur followed her to the second floor, Homer emerged from the bathroom, marched toward the couch, and tripped over an unexpected obstacle. "D'oh!" he exclaimed while plummeting to the floor.

"Sorry," said D.W.

"Who put that little girl there?" groused Homer as he picked himself up.

"Her name's D.W.," said Bart.

"Aren't you gonna ask me what it stands for?" said D.W., gazing curiously into Homer's eyes.

"No," said Homer with a wave of his hand. "If it was important, you'd tell me."

"That's right," said Bart.

"I don't know what PMS stands for either," Homer went on. "But if I was supposed to care, they'd tell me."

"Hrrrmm," grumbled his wife.

"You have a dog _and_ a cat," D.W. marveled. "I didn't know that was possible."

"As soon as Lisa and Arthur are finished, we'll eat," said Marge. "There's plenty of spinach lasagna for everyone."

"Eww!" exclaimed D.W. in disgust. "I hate spinach!"

"Spinach gives you strong muscles and bones," said Marge with a grin. "And humongous hair."

"Spinach was put here by the devil to torment us," said D.W. bitterly.

"So what else has the church been keeping from us?" Bart asked her.

"Don't start dinner yet," said Homer, hurrying away. "I gotta use the bathroom."

In her bedroom, Lisa was showing Arthur the last of the photographs she had taken while in China. "And this is Auntie Selma with her new baby, Ling," she narrated.

"That's so neat," said Arthur. "What other countries have you been to?"

"Oh, Japan, Brazil, Australia," Lisa answered. "Next season we're going to Italy."

"You should bring these pictures to class," Arthur suggested. "Show and Tell has been kinda boring ever since Sue Ellen stopped talking."

"I'll do that," said Lisa.

"You're pretty cool for a funny-looking kid," said Arthur. "I think we'll like having you in our class."

"I think I'll like being in your class," said Lisa wistfully. "You're a fun bunch. Who knows what adventures we'll have?"

(The author knows…)

* * *

THE END 


End file.
